Like worst hickies ever he always gives them like wtf
im sorry but my first introduction to your dick isn't going to be a pic sent from the men's room
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
Come outside. The vendor wants to go out strong tonight! Russian hooker interviews. Don't ask. We leave in 3 minutes.
Earned the respect of a group of freshman by chugging Das Boot while hanging out a window and lost it shortly after by wrecking a clown bike into them.
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
I just want him to go down on me while I eat a burger. Is that too much to ask?
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
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