News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
he sent me a picture of his dick with a heart border around it
they're like a gay fantastic four
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
I feel like this is going to result in some sort of tearing in my vagina.
Thats a chance were just gonna have to take
I just sit in the cubicle for 8 hours and do keagles.
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
according to the video, you won you first drunken karaoke contest based off of your actual singing abilities and not because you took your shirt! I've never been prouder :)
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
so like what it comes down to is do I wanna look like a boss ass bitch or do I wanna masturbate.
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
Hey know anyone who wants 58 lbs of whole frozen chickens for a couple bowls?
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
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