dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
Dave a horae rider a coqw boy
we need to drink more beer. the fridge wont close.
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
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