I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
it sounds like her vocal chords are covered in pudding and rocks. come get me.
I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
Motor boating, judging by the amount of lipstick I found I would say between 6 to 8 times
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
it's my sixth sense. If there's an orgy within 20 miles of me i'll know about if. Or be a part of it.
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
im tired of guys just wanting to hook up with me. im like, guys, i know im pretty and i have a slammin bod and i love making out, but cant someone treat me with respect??
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