i wish my penis had a tongue
so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
alright she left, finally time to fart up the room
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
The little penguins are speaking with a hispanic accent. I dont know how to feel about it. Geographically speaking, this cant be possibly. This isnt cool.
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
My vagina loves me do-dah do-dah my vagina loves me do-dah do-dah
I picture you throwing your vagina around in the same fashion that they pass out candy at a parade.
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
I thought my sex drive was gone but let me tell you it is back with a vengeance
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
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