I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
well I mean we knew we had more drinkers than runners, so we had a "case race for the cure" for relay for life instead of an actual marathon. day drinking and philanthropy. can't go wrong.
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
I refuse to believe this is a lapse in my dick hunting skills. It's gotta be the gods playing a game.
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
For real his Facebook page says he studied "sexual arts" at some random college I've never heard of. You've been warned.
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
Randomize
