He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
LETS GET FUCKED UP IN ONESIES TONIGHT.
I worry about you sometimes...
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
I went to a community college and majored in Bad Decisions. I'm not exactly a chick magnet.
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
Randomize
