brass monkey on radio. cant stop dancing.
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
That would explain his violent outburst while watching barefoot contessa...
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
Probably gonna run and pray I throw up. Then go get a coffee/bagel & continue to rally
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
Randomize
