I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
The required reading for this week is a paper about birds called great tits. Let's see my TA keep a straight face through this discussion.
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
If you make 120 dollars and I walk instd of drive and don't eat or smoke this week we can pay rent
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
You might see me up a tree with a deranged look in my eye , just walk away at that point
Randomize