Yo I'm just eating dinner now. U ready to go out?
Ya ya. Where you eating?
Cereal and beer. U kno u want in.
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
idk man, i just want to be a bad influence for future generations
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
Love these next 4 months. Wake up from a college football hangover and get to put your hand down your pants and watch NFL football all day.
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
Where are all your bongs? Your Dad wants to make sure they're put away before his family gets here.
Umm....in my room, on my closet, under the bed and behind my laptop.
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