Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
sarcasm needs its own font
is it bad that listening to the rabbi's wife talk about how we should only be with one person is making me really, really horny for no string attached sex
All I heard was "You have collect call from Lafayette Parish Jail for Dude it was awesome! I'll tell you about it later!"
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
We are casual work acquaintances that occasionally fuck when the urge strikes. CWATOFWTUS. I know FWB rolls off the tongue better but it is what it is.
I just very easily got pretty high off of one bowl of shitty dirt weed. I'm a sad excuse for who I used to be.
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
if being 21 means slamming 99 cent margaritas at 3:00 in the afternoon on a Tuesday then call me Peter Pan IM NEVER GROWING UP
I may or may not be drinking in a church parking lot.
Grabbed the cop's ass and he still arrested Heather instead. Victory is mine!!
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