Buhtt sex?
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
Security said no more parties of this kind. To me that translates to Theme party this weekend.
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
I'm a fuck boy trapped in a single mom's body.
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
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