I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
Do you remember peeing on the wall and then yelling at us to stop looking at your dick?
When i look at that picture of him, i'm a little proud to be like yeah, his dick was in my mouth saturday no big deal.
Never again will we have slut saturday. Never.
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
where are my eyebrows?
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