New low: just hacked my moms facebook
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
we've started having sober sex
you really do like him
And then like 10 minutes later they were taking a bath together. HOW DOES HE DO IT.
this is a time for prayers...seriously
let us hold hands and pray.. sweet baby jesus please bring us some sweet sweet man loving this homecoming weekend to aid our lonely vaginas it has been a long couple of weeks amen.
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
sorry for showing your butt to the bar
sorry for licking your cheek
Pretty sure this radio station is run by a cult. Good thing it's in Spanish, can't brainwash someone who can't understand you.
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