We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
P.s. remind me to tell you about the porno that Paul envisioned starring you. It's wizard of oz themed.
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
Just assume that every drink in that house has alcohol in it.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
Randomize
