The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
He asked me for a pic so I sent him a pic of my boyfriends dick.
It was a fun night! I woke up with a boyfriend, again....
I hate her so much I want to fuck her boyfriend.
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
Randomize