im in his phone as 'great ass to tap'
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
We have ur drink. Mom passed out in the bathroom. I'm goin to the other bathroom. Bs at the top of the stairs on way outside.
Randomize
