So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
we were playing true or dare on a webcam chat and i was way to drunk ...i ended up having to drink my own piss outta a beer bottle, life couldnt get any worse right now
Redeem this text for a blowjob
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
i have one hour to talk myself into enjoying giving him a blow job when i get home
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
He's carved the words "SLAM STATION" into his headboard...
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
He licked my mouth. I felt like I was making out with my dog.
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
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