yeah...it smells like an asshole would smell if someone ate sewage.
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16.
I dont think she was a real nurse but she was good at it. wish I rememebrd her name
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
ex-cheerleader. ex-gymnast. ex-dancer. i dont even know who to go for tonight
His idea of role playing was him wearing the halloween mitt romney mask while I gave him head
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
Wow two curved penises in one weekend. I feel like this may be good luck. Like finding a four leaf clover
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
Randomize
