Uhhh...do I owe you any money? Or an apology? Or anything?
Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
While at warped tour today a girl was crowd surfing and her vagina landed in my face, I call that a successfull day.
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
did she really put a helmet on, try to make a hole in the wall then pass out on the floor ten minutes later? if thats true ill be there in 15
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
It started with a wedding, followed by a drag show, and ended with Trevor getting punched in the face by the bouncer. How was your weekend?
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
Randomize
