i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
Both he AND his 17 year old son were hitting on me... I'm bridging generational gaps
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
I'm just saying, if you haven't been dropped off at a Wawa at 5:30 in the morning by 3 cop cars, you're missing out
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
i just really want to fuck a guy wearing lederhosen
it'll be sexier than it sounds, i promise
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
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