So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
I need to stop drinking. Side note- we have a party bus tonight. So the drinking will have to end after that
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
Every time you started making out for him we all cheered for you... that's what sorority sisters do - they cheer you on when you make bad life decisions at the bar.
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
I was wearing my get used bookstore shirt when we fucked. Ironic yet appropriate.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
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