Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
Just got physical proof that at 6 am i was running around with raw potatoes threatening to mash them on his floor. Hello, Mobile uploads
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
don't say the first was when I crawled under into the dressing room
I'm so sick
I would imagine. You did most of your drinking for brazil last night.
That and I think I got food poisoning from sharing nachos with that homeless guy..
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
Erin was right. There were bees at the after hours.
Randomize
