I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
Biggg time. I found 2 empty packages of extenze in my car this am.... not sure what that was all about
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
Thank you, BTW, for defiling my bed. Glad it was done well.
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
I consider walking to the bars and dancing my exercise and I buy doubles so my drinks r heavier so that's my arm workout
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
Everybody at Lexi's party found out I'm both a screamer and a moaner after he ate me out on the pool table downstairs. Just another sunday night in Alaska
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