Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
better yet, through the bookshelves. like an intellectual glory hole
Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
you told that cab driver that when the 3 of us come togehter it means happiness and love
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
I was really proud of me too last night! Found a discarded hamburger that I have no memory of at the foot of the bed. Instead of a Dude. I'm really growing as a person
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
A friendship for the ages born on how horny we both are
He has fairy lights round his bed.. And played Jamie cullum when we had sex... Hes batting for the other team right?
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
Randomize
