Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
I've learned something. I regret way too may Tuesdays in my life to be normal
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
My very favorite thing in the whole world is when guys try to booty call her as I'm fucking her. Sucks to suck.
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
Who suggested the eggnog wet t-shirt contest last night like whose idea was that
Speaking
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
I am attempting to break the habit of calling him daddy.
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
Guess whose grandma smokes weed?
Randomize
