Sometimes to bang a cougar u gotta play wii With her kids
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
I couldn't tell if they ere dancing or fucking but they won the costume contest
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
You thought that you were playing full contact and started screaming "I will fucking end you! I will end you!" and tried tackling everyone in the room.
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
Randomize
