It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
She's the rare girl who loses weight and gets uglier.
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
Only you can can turn Jenga into a drinking and then a sex game.
First coke bust down the road. Spring is finally here.
A guy wearing a hard hat while floating the river. It's the most responsible drinking we saw all day.
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
Randomize