I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
I'm sorry, but there's just something about mesh over nipples that irks me.
all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
Quiet hours sex sucks. I hate finals.
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
definitely not taking the whole return culture shock so well...drinking a 100 proof rootbeer vodka float out of a german beer mass
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
Is 36 too old to fuck a college student? THIS IS BOTH IMPORTANT AND TIME SENSITIVE
Safe to say we should stock up on nipple bandaids ladies
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
Whose panties are you wearing on your head and why are you sending me pics of it?
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
Randomize
