have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
That's a lot of people she's fucked in one picture.
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
oh so have I but I'd still suck a dick or 20 in the name of freedom.
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
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