i wiped a booger on my final. end of semester present.
The guy is drinking 5 bottles of beer in a juice pitcher. Fucking amazing.
They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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