Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
you were drinking a pitcher of what you called "16 loko" and making everybody guess what the secret ingredient was
she drove 3 hrs one way just to sleep with me. I felt bad complaining about paying for condoms.
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
Last night dinner was cinnamon buns and whiskey. At least tonight I had a fajita with my cookies and tequila. I may be a little stressed about these end of semester tests.
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
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