I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
Just bonged a beer from a vuvuzela...this place is only doing good for me
I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
So lets not base feelings on vagina tingles
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
i just want to cuddle, make out and maybe have a boob grabbed but no. someone has to have mono.
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
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