Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
Now I'll never know if Megan finds a millionaire.
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
I'd give my left nut to see you
don't do that. I like the set
So dude, she and I just got done having the most amazing sex, and then she rolled over and said that "lets make some tacos" and proceeded to the kitchen... naked... I'm buying the ring tomorrow
Even the French judge on the olympics would give that a 10
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
The sign say "Kereoke" strip bar. 5 more beers and ill be ready to rumble.
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
Randomize