I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
No. No. No. No one's allowed to fuck in the yurt.
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
My day in three words: secret purse cake
And then he served me a piece of a brownie on his dick. It tasted amazing. Such a good night!
ever feel bored AND lazy?
I call it "awake" but yeah...
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