just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
How many pudding cups do I have to eat for it to count as dinner?
4.
ASIANS HAVE SEX TOO!! I just watched it happen in the library.
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
I don't care if shes your sisters age. Once someone is on my to do list theres only one way to get them off it
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
I woke up and found that i was using my computer as a pillow. i had 53 pages of random letters on Microsoft word
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
Randomize
