He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
Woke up to the sound of my own moans coming from the tv....evidently it was videotaped.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
I think I reached some stage of aging, have a sore/injured shoulder from sex, next up carpal tunnel from sexting.
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
are you still up? I want to use you for sexual things. you have 35 minutes to respond to this offer.
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
Randomize
