FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
In the middle of switching positions, we shared a line of coke. It's was like a modern-day 'Lady and the Tramp.'
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
You stood next to him taking HUGE gasps of air in an attempt to second hand smoke his cig because you didn't have one...
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
Cause its not a drunken adventure unless someone ends up in a pool
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
Seriously? People are paying $45 for Surge?!? I've seen better one night stand decisions being made then the choices being made on amazon orders of Surge
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
I love how when he said ecstasy pills both of our heads whipped around like a couple of horned owls.
Randomize
