Just saw the homeless asian lady making a hispanic man pull her shopping cart with a harness. I love Boston.
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
i'm really high, and this is sooooooooooo important. how many frosties does it take to fill a bathtub?
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
she kept checking the clock when she was giving me head and at midnight she said she had to stop because she cant eat meat on fridays is that bitch serious
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
Randomize
