I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
Yeah, he said he was getting "welcome back Winnipeg Jets drunk" then puked on his jersey.
No, i went to get it done but the guy couldnt find it. exhibit A of why i wanted a clit piercing in the first place.
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
I don't think boys are aware how difficult it is to take a picture of your own ass.
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
And thanks to you I'm pretty sure I'm banned from every qdoba in south carolina. And cab company
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
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