i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
theres a kid face down in the middle of campus... people are going about their day and paying no attention to him
my night ended in me puking all over jenna's bed, then me trying to wash the sheets in the toilet.
he needs to stop knowing everyone on campus...it's making cheating on him really difficult.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
I did the walk of shame in nothing but a sleeping bag and now I'm on my way to pick up plan B. Let's not make a habit of this.
Sounds like a good New Years
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
I'm pmsing pretty hard.. .just cried 3 times while eating a Hershey bar dipped in peanut butter
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