There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
were lost, were cold and we don't know what to do with the stray cat we found.
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
You were being mean. And telling everyone to suck your six inch strap on. People were not pleased
Please be lying.
Im not. Your family was creeped out
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
No man. Everyone needs to shit off a roof, at least once.
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
Randomize
