dude i totally did the walk last night came out of her room to see her dad sitting there straight lookin at me...wtf
i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
How many pudding cups do I have to eat for it to count as dinner?
4.
I remember sucking his bleeding finger and then it's all black until he had his hand down my pants.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
When the doctor said the anal leakage might not be reversible without some lifestyle changes you start asking if it's worth the entertainment value.
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
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