Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
I just realized last night I drunk-bought a flight to Florida for this weekend...kinda torn between the price and the potential of awesomeness
no. i just ate a whole thing of hot dogs. me and regret are sleepng alone tonigh.
No dude trust me, just go a strip club at their busiest hours and pick the ugliest chick. Guaranteed she blows you for under 20$, the record stands at $7.67 and a pen from Bank of America,
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
Good morning love! Friendly reminder that we decided to make leggings with a vagina zipper. "For the winter quickie"
7% of guys ive been with can get me off... I did the math!
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
My boyfriend and my fuck buddy are going to the strip club together... Should I be concerned?
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
