The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
i was quietly enjoying my waffles when he came downstairs naked, kissed me on the forehead, and thanked me for the night before. i didnt even know anyone stayed over.
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
Basically, what i'm trying to say is, if you don't have something, excuse or gift, to satisfy my anger i am going to look you in the eye and piss on the floor.
An image of us stuck like that like Pompeii comes to mind. A wonder for future anthropologists
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
BTW rolling him off the couch and onto that tarp was pure genius. He definitely pissed himself last night.
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
I had sex on a seadoo on the middle of the lake lastnight
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
Omfg 7 hour sex session who am I?
PS: I think I'm in love
Ability to walk tomorrow tbd
Why do so many fanfic writers want to see hockey players get pregnant?
Randomize
