I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
You seriously don't know?He was trying to arrest you and you were shouting that you were being punk'd. Punk'd? that show got cancelled like 5 years ago.
Ah, I knew it wouldn't be long before my boobs were introduced into the conversation.
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
I would be the drunk girl eating cake on the front steps alone.
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
Randomize
