You can't motorboat a personality
i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
We found her on a strangers doorstep chanting "I know someone will let me in" it took 2 of us to drag her to the car.
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
I just remembered something. Did we really all flash the cab driver to get half off?
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
According to the rule of quantum porn mechanics, the mere thought of something kinky causes it to exist. So out there, somewhere, there is already riddler/smurf porn...
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