She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
You can't just bring up bondage and then stop answering me
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
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