return my video game
I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
Still drunk and leading the team through the 9am sales meeting. I'm pretty sure this is why there aren't more 26year-olds in management.
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
Randomize
