I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
I just had sex on a bear rug. My life is complete.
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
The chlamydia really affected his face.
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
I haven't even sucked a boob is 6 weeks I hate not college
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
He called his dick "The Beast" and said he lived "The Beast Life". He was pretty but it was better if he didn't talk.
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
Randomize
