Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
Taking jello shots out of a big bowl from a measuring spoon. holla atcha boy.
Its ok. I handled the situation with grace and class. lol jk i got shitfaced and fucked his roomate.
okay have fun. but Under NO circumstances ever attempt to outdrink the german exchange student. no matter how badly you want to blow him. just don't.
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
I feel like ditching all logic and responsibility and get shit-faced before the week's over. Thoughts?
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
Randomize
