Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
Clearly my hormones are sending beaming lights to every penis in the area
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
Qdoba locked their bathrooms last night.. I suppose so people didn't pee all over them? I considered it counter productive considering I just peed on the outside of their building then. I had to pee
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
It's getting to the point where my ability to get dick pix during the work day is impressing even me. Take that, adulthood!
It's cool dude. The dank is in the form of premade smores with honey grahm crackers, marshmallow cream and 420 brand choc. bars. NV weed laws have nothing on me.
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
ditto.
about cumming, not toast
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
Randomize
