She said she never had to courage to go fully shaved. Since when did shaving your snatch become courageous?
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
We lived together for a year and neither of us knew we were both gay.
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
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