I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
The next time i black out make sure i remove the ping pong balls from my weave. Especially before my first day of classes.
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
Randomize
