Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
Just watched a porn with the dvd commentary on i think i need to re-evaluate my life
My valentine's day: watching The Notebook, and porn, eating chocolate, and ice cream. All while jacking off.
Wow... you've managed to cover all of the sad girl stereotypes that exist.
I'm sure it was awkward. I've never had a professor expose parts of them to me before.
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
I wish! That ended in 2001 when we all got collectively band from the Settle Inn. As a group we are also band from social events at the zoo. It's impressive really.
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
Well I guess I'll go shower now and wash all the stripper off.
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
I think he should just go away to a small penis island and never come back
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
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