I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
Crumbling up chips, putting them in salsa, eating with spoon. New level of stoner fatassery. Its so genius/delicous i'm not even ashamed
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
Not to mention I think lunch is a little inappropriate when our relationship is only based on Mario kart and alcohol so far...
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
These business classes have improved my drug business ten fold
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