Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
Vom Wallet is no more. We now boldly enter a responsible, adult era where we will not throw up liquor onto ourselves.
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
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