I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
His little brother walked in on us. Six times.
Well on the bright side, I only need a sophomore to complete the fuck-a-guy-from-every-year-challenge.
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
Success! We fucked roommates!
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
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