I texted him about a book we both like. I was expecting a "ya great book... let's bone" response. It didn't work
I've done 29 out of the 30 things to do to a naked man according to Cosmo. I don't know if that makes me innovative or slutty.
Genius.
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
Are you still giving blowjobs?
Who is this?
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
There's someone howling in the parking lot. Haha.
I want to get back to junior year skinny- without all the drugs.
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
Randomize
