If she sees it and stops hooking up w/ me then you owe me
I think my fart just growled at me.
Steel Reserve is the RC Cola of alcohol. It's never ok.
community service is like the breakfast club... except we're all the criminal.
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
He said he cried as he watched porn yesterday; I'd say he's taking the break-up pretty bad....
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
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