I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
At a pool hall. Dudes walkin around with fuzzy handcuffs cuffed to his belt. The douche bag level grows higher still
Robbie told me you spent 10 mins discussing the curl in his hair and that you said "with that curl in your hair, you'll go far"
hypothetically speaking is slutty or smart to buy plan b before we go on spring break so i dont have to get it in mexico
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
I dunno. We kind of want to have a hippie communing with nature type break. But because we're such alcoholics I feel like we'll just be wasted the whole time in addition to hugging trees and shit
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
dude idk where I am. fuckin like. there wheat field and a horizon and shit. I think I got on a bus? some dude named Sam gave me a pamphlet about Jesus.
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
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