I could make wine with my vomit
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
Also I think I'm starting to get calluses on my hands from my level of sexual activity
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
The hangover struggle is to real, just passed the drive thru window. Twice.
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