We owe the rent and you're unemployed...you're in no financial position to flirt with cocaine addiction.
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
This is a whole other level of drinking. Like the I used to eat paste with these people kinda drinking.
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
We had sex and he ended up in the hospital... don't know if I should be worried or proud.
I'm fucking my way through California and it's kind of fun.
Randomize
