Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
that's the second time I've left that bar and slept with the person that's driven my car. thank god I don't take cabs..
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
You've had it in your mouth, how have you not seen it?
Randomize
