ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
Sorry, I was unaware dragging you upstairs for sex was such an awful thing.
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
Randomize
