I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
The liquor store is having an inventory reduction sale. It would be a sin not to stop and help them out.
And we all know God doesn't like sinners.
Amen.
period poops. best. ever.
omigod im sitting here with ben and he and i both got that...chick you totally just mass texted that...
I don't know, I don't really wanna ask the question, "Mom why am I not circumcised?"
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
Well the walls are thin and I can hear the couple next door having sex. I think their dog is somehow involved.
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
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