2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
so it turns out you can rearrange the letters in "scottsdale" to spell "milf city." who knew?
so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
The cops caught them pow wowing in the teepee at the entrance of the golf course at 5 am. But were still missing someone.
Question: would asking the hot guy from the grocery store to "beer me" his number be a poor decision?
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
my star wars tattoo got me laid last night. definitely a dark side sort of benefit im thinking
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
So I'm at home coloring while smoking a joint. It can only go down hill from here.
Sarah just give sum homeless dude a lap dance, took like 2$ worth of change from his cup and was all like, "Biiitch, this aint free"..
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
